I Won\’t Make My Daughter Say \”HELLO\” or \”SORRY\” to Family—Here\’s Why

In the realm of parenthood, there isn’t a single method that suits all. While certain caregivers adhere to conventional techniques centered around discipline and orderliness, others focus primarily on fostering emotional intelligence and independence. Caroline, a 40-year-old from America who falls into the second category, reached out to Bright Side with her distinctive perspective on raising children—a viewpoint deemed contentious due mainly to her stance against allowing her daughter to greet people or seek approval. Beyond recounting her experiences, she seeks advice as her unconventional tactics have led both to conflicts within various social settings and challenges in her marital life. Below lies her narrative.

An individual in a perilous scenario seeking counsel and direction.

Caroline, a devoted reader of our website, reached out to us by email intending to narrate her own experience for fellow readers and perhaps gain some advice during one of the most challenging times in her life. Her letter starts off saying, “Greetings from The Bright Side and all its loyal followers. This is Caroline; at forty years old, I reside in Oregon. It’s been my pleasure to read about everyone else\’s experiences here and contribute my thoughts as well. However, today marks when I must step into the spotlight myself. I’m unsure whether what I’m doing might be wrong…or maybe nobody else perceives things quite like me.”

Caroline has always dreamed of becoming a mother, and even before she became pregnant with her daughter, she had made a significant choice.

In her continuation, Caroline shares, \”Even as an only child, I\’ve always felt this maternal drive. While most girls fantasized about being leaders or exploring space, all I ever wished for was to be a mom and start a family filled with lots of kids. It never occurred to me back then why this desire burned so intensely within me, but looking back now, it likely stemmed from how I grew up. My upbringing took place in a household where affection wasn\’t often shown; instead, following orders equaled learning. There were strict guidelines: seek approval first, offer handshakes readily, greet unfamiliar grown-ups with kisses, and show respect by greeting everyone despite your feelings. Those moments when you’re expected to smile politely yet inwardly resentful stick out vividly. Thus, I vowed that once I became a parent—whether daughter or son—I wouldn’t impose those experiences onto mine. Instead, I would push past every limit to become their ideal guardian, pouring everything into ensuring they knew love and care unconditionally.\”

Caroline’s 6-year-old daughter Lily is a child who does not seek approval to exist.

The message goes on to say, “My 6-year-old daughter, Lily, embodies all my hopes and dreams; she’s like a fairy-tale princess to me. Ever since she was born, each moment spent with her has been brimming with joy and immense pride. In return, I strive to be the very best mom I can be for her. From the time she began speaking, I’ve made sure that her opinions carry just as much weight as mine.
I never compel my 6-year-old daughter, Lily, to greet someone against her will, or to kiss them, or apologize when she genuinely feels remorseless. My aim is for her to grasp that her own body is under her control. She should feel free to step away from situations where she might feel uneasy without carrying guilt. It’s important to teach kindness but not at the cost of one’s self-respect.
While these beliefs may seem unusual to some—and sometimes even to myself—I firmly believe they’re the correct path.”

However, not everybody concurs with this ideology. Not even her spouse.

Caroline interjects, \”Now, let me share something important about my spouse, David. His upbringing instilled very distinct values in him; to him, politeness serves as the foundation connecting individuals. Our contrasting viewpoints on parenting our child often lead us into heated disputes. This discord primarily stems from his relatives who believe they can freely comment on my maternal approach and even manipulate David’s perception accordingly. According to them, Lily appears overindulged—she supposedly lacks manners such as saying sorry or thanks and fails to greet others, which they interpret as disrespectfulness. They claim we keep her isolated. Lately, though, David uses ‘we’ sarcastically since he increasingly distances himself from these practices. Yet, usually, I choose to overlook their disagreements hoping things settle down.
However, tensions escalated significantly during a visit to his parents\’ home last week. Upon arrival, six-year-old Lily refused to greet anyone as per custom. Attempting to embrace her warmly, his mom faced rejection—a violent pullback accompanied by Lily shouting, \’Stay away!\’. The atmosphere grew tense instantly. Remaining composed, I backed Lily\’s stance towards safeguarding her personal space. Unexpectedly, however, David abruptly changed demeanor before everyone present: addressing Lily sternly, he demanded, \’Speak respectfully to your family. Offer apologies immediately.\’
Lily glanced anxiously toward me, retreating behind my legs where she broke into tears without uttering anything further. No one had previously disciplined her so harshly, evoking feelings of empathy within me too. Despite wanting to confront David directly, I chose instead to remain silent throughout the remainder of the gathering, focusing only on comforting my distressed daughter. We spent the evening apart under the same roof, both lost in thought amidst unspoken tension.\”

The marriage is teetering on the brink of collapse, and Caroline finds herself hesitant for the first time.

In the following passage, Caroline recounts how her husband approached her with an unprecedented severity the very next day: \”He told me he wasn\’t sure we could parent Lily jointly anymore. According to him, our daughter lacked boundaries and warned that without change, she might face rejection both academically and socially. Additionally, he felt increasingly estranged within his own household. He questioned whether I desired a strong-willed daughter or one destined for solitude. Yet, I found myself speechless.
My aspiration isn\’t merely to rear a girl conditioned through fear; rather, I envision fostering a woman unapologetic about her existence. Nonetheless, I cannot ignore moments when loneliness creeps into my heart as well—moments where witnessing Lily ostracized or labeled peculiar stings deeply. There are times I wish she assimilated better, perhaps compromising authenticity slightly in exchange. The pain intensifies knowing my efforts to shield her may jeopardize not only my relationship with her father but also undermine my lifelong mission—to excel as a nurturing mother. This failure is something beyond forgiveness…
This heartfelt plea concludes with queries reflecting deep introspection:
\”Is this courage—or obstinance? Is she growing up free-spirited, or struggling independently due to misunderstanding societal expectations? Would I endure marital discord for the sake of parenting authentically?
Approval remains secondary—I simply seek insight regarding alternative approaches. Could there possibly be a path towards liberating parenthood devoid of collateral damage?\”
She closes by expressing gratitude ahead for any counsel provided, recognizing that guidance can hold profound significance during pivotal stages of personal growth.

Caroline’s narrative sparks a discussion that extends past educational methods: To what extent are we prepared to sacrifice for familial peace? And how significant is it to adhere steadfastly to our personal principles? Similar to today’s featured character, we’re eager to hear your thoughts: Do you believe Caroline is making the correct decision or has she crossed a line? In your household, how would you navigate such circumstances? Additionally, should you find this piece engaging, be sure not to overlook another article where an uncomfortable truth regarding a common yet often avoided family issue is revealed.